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My relationships at that point would go something like this: we would meet, there would be a spark, we’d hang out a few times, after a few weeks I would freak out and feel trapped and suffocated, I would then lose all interest in the relationship and would do whatever I could to sabotage it.
I felt guilty but also kind of alarmed at my inability to feel anything.
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I knew he liked me a whole lot more than I liked him, but feeling terrified by the possibility that my heart had turned to stone and that I may never be able to love again, I stayed with it, hoping that the deep feelings he felt for me would eventually be reciprocated on my end.
We had been seeing each other for a little over a month when I sensed that my grace period was over.
It was time to have ‘the talk.’ He brought up the subject casually at first, wondering if he could start introducing me as his girlfriend.
I fidgeted and gave him some story about how I didn’t like to use labels and the topic was dropped.
’ ‘It’s too soon,’ ‘I don’t like labels,’ ‘I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship,’ blah blah blah.
At the time, I truly, genuinely, wholeheartedly believed the things I was saying and, to some extent, they were true.
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